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The Cynical Romantic

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Draw of the day + clarification card [Oct. 6th, 2016|07:38 pm]
The Cynical Romantic

Today I drew two cards, although I didn't take pictures of them.

I didn't really have a question, and I did the drawing just now, after a full day at work of not actually having a huge amount going on right now, just waiting on a bunch of other things to come back to me. I'm doing an interview tomorrow but the questions are already prepared. I spent a lot of the day trying to have good posture, as the eye doctor recommended, and I barely have a headache today despite only taking one pill. I did have to get a new prescription and buy new glasses yesterday, but the doctor thinks that's only part of the headache issue; the rest is probably just a regular tension headache, brought on by some combination of stress, poor posture, and the computer screen. So: New glasses, sitting up straight, more breaks, take up deep breathing/meditation exercises to try to relieve some of the constant stress I'm carrying in every muscle and tendon. As always, more self-help, self-improvement, self-care. On the one hand, I need it. On the other hand, eventually I can only pile so many things to do on myself before I stress myself back out about doing ALL THE SELF-CARE and I can't fucking meditate my credit card balance down or my wages up, so I start to get all "fuck this bootstrappy shit" about it. I did meditation yesterday and felt OK and then last night I had a bunch of weird dreams about patent medicines (including, specifically, Kickapoo Joy Juice, and now I have music from Lil Abner that I haven't heard in fifteen years stuck in my head), so I guess that's how I react to trying to be healthy.

Anyway. Today's first card was the Two of Wands, which signifies Opportunity, and can specifically signify a period of waiting at the beginning of some sort of project or endeavor, during which the querent might feel restless as they prepare for the change, whatever it may be. The Louis book says "Most likely there is little happening now," which is a good summation of today. I am certainly "considering a project, trip, or activity with a partner"; I am waiting on quite a number of things at work, in fact, and I am considering starting to look at new jobs, and I am waiting to be turned down for a few freelance projects I applied to, and yeah, today has largely been treading water. This card advises that now is a time "for dealing with problems energetically," which sounds exhausting. I am not sure which problems specifically need dealing with today versus continued waiting. I tried to deal with the headache/stress problem a bit and I think it helped. I don't know if what little remains of today should go toward applying for the job that Lyndsay just sent me, writing a bit on Tess, one of the five hundred other productive things I have to do, or trying to relax a little and maybe read some fiction. The card also advises that "any negotiations you are involved in should go well, but you must actively assert yourself," which would maybe have been more useful this morning and inspired me to see if I couldn't go talk to Michael and find out what precisely is going on financially and if there's any way around it. Overall, today has not seemed much like one of opportunity, except maybe the opportunity to stop and take a deep breath.

Since I was a bit confused about where this card was going--it seems to have some contradictions in it, and besides, I have no idea what to do with it anyway--I drew a second card, which was the Ten of Wands. This was interesting to me, since it presents cards of the same suit, at the beginning and end of the arc of that progression of cards. The Ten of Wands signifies the Weight of Ambition, but I drew it reversed, which signifies "The burden is lifted." Like many cards reversed, the Ten of Wands reversed can have both a positive and a negative aspect. In its positive aspect, it means relief from stress and pressure, possibly delegation. This could square with my theory that the Opportunity card represents an opportunity to stop and breathe for a day. In its negative aspect, it represents misused or wasted talents, overweening ambition, delay, failure, overload, and taking on others' responsibilities, which sounds a lot more like what work *has* been. Six months ago I was excited about the possibility of doing more work, of taking on what Dan and Aaron had been doing, of learning and of building my skills, and hopefully of getting paid for the extra work and of getting to do some of the things they got to do in order to do their work, such as travel. But apparently that is not to be; I am not getting the fun bits, only the extra stuff that can be done from fixedly behind the desk, and with little in the way of resources available to help train me or get me experience. In full (almost), the card "carries a warning that you will receive little in return for your hard work. Someone may have manipulated you into carrying an unfair share of a burden. The responsibilities that you shoulder have felt like a burden for quite some time. . . . You may be suffering the consequences of overweening ambition. Health problems could be the result of physical or emotional overstrain."

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking deciding I wanted to be a journalist in a field I barely understand at 28 anyway. I am not qualified for this.

Several months ago Gillian did a reading for me and I asked about work. Most of the spread seemed to be fairly positive but the final takeaway was basically: It's not going to be like you imagine it's going to be.

So far, it has not been. I imagined I might get more money for doing more work, because I got lazy and comfortable and forgot the number one rule about money: If it sounds good at all, it is too good to be true.

So the clarification card did not really clarify things for me that well. It either means I can chill out for a day, or that I am fucked and need to face up to the fact that I have been fucked, which does not sound much like Opportunity to me. Perhaps it is the opportunity to stop tormenting myself holding out for rewards that are not coming.

Christ, I'm tired. I'm going to paint my nails and read the BSpec contest entries and tomorrow, I am going to leave work early, come home, and apply for another job.